my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
