I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
