i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
