I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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