I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I don't deserve a penis
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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