I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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