I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There r osticjed everywhere
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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