Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
