i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Everclear isn't food dammit
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
