My hand turned me down
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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