I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
