My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
