Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
