I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
