the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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