i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
