I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
