dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
