Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
