i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize