Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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