Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
