you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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