Moan for me like Helen Keller
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
