ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
3pm strippers are depressing
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
