I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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