Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
