I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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