We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
