Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
