So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
