I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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