One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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