im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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