He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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