My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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