I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
