Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
