So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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