I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
