Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
