Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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