How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
