You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
