The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
