Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
