True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize