I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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