I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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