Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
