I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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