the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
