Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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