Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
