What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
