Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
His nipple licking is glorious
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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