The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
