I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize