I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
