I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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