i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
