I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
